Apudne Te Vel Me?
by jade
Summary: It all started with that rumor that Harry and Zacharias Smith were secretly dating, which was untrue but try telling that to a certain blonde. Then Ron's attempt to make himself more sensitive seriously backfires. Who said magic made life easier?
1. The Rumor

I think this should be pretty good for all intents and purposes. So, it's an AU after the fourth year I suppose…let's just say that Voldemort died and all that she-bang. Who cares anyways? This is all supposed to be a bit light-hearted anyways…comedic too. Don't take it too seriously, just have fun!

Disclaimer: I totally don't own Harry Potter.

Warnings: Er…stuff.

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Apudne Te Vel Me?

(_Your Place or Mine?)_

Chapter One: The Rumor

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"Pansy Parkinson."

"Ugh."

"Parvati Patil?"

"Too ditzy."

"Lavender Brown?"

"Ditto."

"Cho Chang?" Ron grinned as he suggested the name.

"Been there, done that, don't want to get swept away in the flood." Harry waved a hand in the air lazily. The two boys were lying on the grass next to an oak tree. They were supposed to be meeting Hermione, but she, surprisingly, was running late. As it was, the two boys were throwing up girls' names and commenting on whether or not they'd fancy a snog with them. The two boys both suddenly sat up. "Okay, um…Hannah Abbott?"

"Maybe if she lost twenty pounds." Ron cracked.

"Ouch!" Harry pretended to wince. "Er, Susan Bones?"

"Definitely." Ron nodded. "She's cute."

"I guess." Harry shrugged. He supposed Susan Bones _was_ cute, he just didn't feel any urge to snog her. But that wasn't anything new. Even though he was in his seventh year, he felt no urge really to go after anybody. The only other girl he could think of other than Cho Chang (a terrible relationship during the fifth year) was Ginny Weasley, and she had left on an exchange program to France—where she was attending Beauxbatons.

"Zacharias Smith." Ron could tell that his friend was momentarily distracted.

"Sure—wait, what?" Harry realized as soon as Ron started laughing that he had made a mistake. He leaned over and punched his friend in the arm. "We're _supposed_ to be doing girls' names."

"Man, that was great." Ron wiped a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye. "Anyways, there aren't set rules…are there? Maybe we should ask Hermione." This of course was meant in jest, because they were pretty sure Hermione would heavily disapprove of this game.

"Ask me what?" Hermione had come up behind them. Ron nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Uh, nothing! Nope!" Ron vigorously shook his head. "Yeah, some homework question." Hermione eyed him suspiciously for a moment and then her expression melted into a knowing little smile.

"You two were talking about girls, weren't you?" Hermione flicked some of her hair over her shoulder.

"Nah, we were talking about how Harry wants to snog Zacharias Smith." Ron smiled broadly, before Harry punched him in the arm again. "Ow!"

"You like Zacharias Smith?" Hermione raised her eyebrows.

"No!" Harry got up, brushing off grass from his robes. "Ron's just being an idiot."

"I'm starving!" Ron changed gears immediately. "What's for dinner?"

"I don't know, but it better not involve peas again." Hermione frowned a little. The Slytherins had recently invented a very useful (according to them) little charm that helped one's aim while flicking peas. The Gryffindor table got the brunt of the assault, although the Hufflepuff table didn't do too much better. The Slytherins refused to see the point of making a charm to help them throw any other sized vegetables, especially ones that didn't match the House colors.

The trio began walking back up to the castle quietly, each thinking up a different strategy in case peas were on the menu when Ron did something that he had been doing all year.

Try to ask Hermione out on a date.

It was impossible. Every time, the words just got stuck in his throat and he couldn't do it properly. Now he had given up on trying to create a good atmosphere for asking her, he just randomly tried in the hopes that maybe 1) If he hadn't been expecting _himself _to say it, he could say it, and 2) It might catch Hermione off guard and she'd be so surprised that she'd actually say yes.

"Hermione, doyouwannagooutwithme?" Ron said extremely fast, amazed at himself for actually getting out all the words. Unfortunately for Ron, even though he had finally been able to at least say it, Harry tripped over a rock at the exact same moment so Hermione's attention was temporarily seized.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione asked in concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Harry was back on his feet in a matter of moments.

"Oh, sorry, Ron, what were you saying?" Hermione turned apologetically to Ron.

"Nothing…" Ron trailed off dejectedly. "Nothing important…" Inside his head, he was cursing his best friend for tripping, feeling that in some small way, it was malicious.

They finally entered the castle and were going into the Great Hall when Ron got a small revenge (in his mind) by nudging Harry and pointing at Zacharias Smith. "Hey, isn't that your sweetheart, Harry?" He spoke loudly.

Ron was punched in the arm by the green-eyed young man, but had Harry had an inkling of the trouble this one comment would cause, Ron would have been lucky to get away with his life.

------------------------

A few moments earlier…

"So, if half the rumors were true, than the Slytherins are a completely debauched group that do nothing but ravish any good looking students, in or out of their own house." Dean explained to Seamus as they started to go into the Great Hall.

(The two failed to notice the group of Slytherins who overheard them and looked extremely pleased with themselves and began asking whether or not anyone thought that comment was too long to use as a password.)

"Yeah, but if some of them _are_ true…" Seamus looked around hopefully. "Then that means they probably have wild parties."

"They probably do." Dean agreed. "But I don't think all the stuff is true."

"What about them being well versed in sex magic?" Seamus wriggled his eyebrows.

"Who taught it to them, Snape?" Dean's expression was full of skepticism. Then he grinned and reached over, messing up Seamus' blonde hair, before quickly running off towards the Gryffindor table.

"Hey!" Seamus stopped to smooth his hair and as he did, a group of three people came up behind him on their way to the Gryffindor table. He noticed that it was Harry, Hermione, and Ron. He was about to say something when he saw Ron nudge Harry and point to Zacharias Smith, who was standing a few feet away, talking to a few of his house mates.

"Hey, isn't that your sweetheart, Harry?" Ron asked loudly. Harry punched him and muttered something under his breath that Seamus couldn't hear.

Seamus stood there for a moment. He thought about what he knew about Harry Potter and Zacharias Smith. He had shared a dorm with Harry for his entire Hogwarts life. Zacharias Smith he only knew because of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. Smith really didn't like Harry, from what he had heard. But then…

_What if he only pretends not to like him, because they're secretly dating?_

An idea had taken root and blossomed in Seamus' mind. It made sense. He had never seen Harry date anybody except Cho Chang and that had lasted all of two weeks their fifth year. He hadn't heard of Smith dating anyone. And Seamus knew all about secret dating…

And besides, Ron was _bound _to know because he was such good friends with Harry. Why, it all made perfect sense! Well, Seamus was secretly dating someone himself so he decided the very best thing was to just keep his mouth shut. Yup, it would be his little secret. Well, _their _little secret. Yessiree, no question about it, his lips were sealed.

"Hey Seamus." Parvati Patil greeted him brightly.

"Harry Potter and Zacharias Smith are secretly dating." Seamus blurted out. He could have smacked himself. No one would ever use Seamus for the Fidelius Charm, that was for sure.

"What?" Parvati's jaw dropped. "Really?"

"Well—!" Seamus thought maybe he could repair the damage. He'd just say he was joking and that would be the end of it. But he was far too late.

"Wait until I tell Lavender! We had bets on whether or not he was gay!" Parvati looked extremely excited. "She owes me twenty galleons! Thanks Seamus—bye!"

Seamus watched her go, wondered if he should maybe stop her and explain that he didn't really have any proof, but then he shrugged. What harm could it possibly do if Parvati won a bet against Lavender?

He went to go join his secret boyfriend for a bit of dinner.

----------------------

"No peas." Ron pointed out to Hermione who looked smug for a moment but then she opened up her bag and seemed to be pulling out books. "Are you studying at the table?"

"N.E.W.T.s!" Hermione barked. "No, actually I'm not. But it wouldn't hurt your chances any." She pulled out the latest issue of Witch Weekly. She opened it up and began to read, eating her food while her eyes flickered back and forth.

"Why do you read that?" Harry asked. "Remember all that stuff they printed about you in the fourth year?"

"Yeah…well…" Hermione's cheeks pinked. "Sometimes they have interesting potion recipes…"

"'201 Wild New Tricks For the Bedroom'?" Ron read one of the headlines on the cover. "What would _you_ need to know that stuff for?" He rolled his eyes to show how silly he thought it was.

Now, Ron meant this in the best of ways. In Ron speak, this was the equivalent of, "Why would you need to know any of that, dearest Hermione? You are utterly perfect and I would love you regardless of what some vapid magazine said you should know."

But that isn't what he said.

"Ron!" Hermione slammed her magazine down, her lips pursed, her eyebrows knit together. "You can be such an…an…insensitive _jackass_!" And then she got up, grabbing her stuff, and marching out of the Great Hall.

Harry and Ron both were stunned—Ron, for not understanding what he had said wrong, and Harry because Hermione rarely swore like that.

"Why does she always do that?" Ron threw his hands up in the air. "She always says I'm insensitive."

"Well, and this is just a guess," Harry began slowly, fighting the urge to roll his eyes with all his might. "I think she might think you're insensitive."

"I am not!" Ron looked deeply offended. "I'm completely sensitive!" And he forked some mashed potatoes in his mouth.

"If you say so." Harry didn't look convinced. "I mean, no offense Ron, but sometimes you're a little…"

"What? I'm a little what?" Ron's eyes narrowed, his mouth half full of mashed potatoes.

"Think about what just happened." Harry pointed out. "Hermione stomps out, mad, and what did you do?"

"Stayed…here." Ron answered slowly. Harry nodded in a satisfied manner. "Oh."

"Yeah." Harry took hold of his glass. "You've got to remember that girls are crazy and don't make any sense."

"But that doesn't make any…oooooooh." Ron seemed to understand. "So, if I acted more sensitive, Hermione would notice and like me better!"

"Well, she still likes you, I think." Harry said matter o' factly. "It's just that sometimes you're um, to quote Hermione, kind of a jackass. But in a good way." He realized he was digging himself into a hole. "She doesn't want you to completely change, she just thinks it would be nice if you could…be more sensitive. Like she says."

"So…she doesn't want me to change but she wants me to be more sensitive?" Ron scratched the back of his head with one hand. "You're right, girls _are_ crazy and don't make any sense."

"Told you." Harry sat there, looking to Ron every bit a well of wisdom about the fairer sex.

"I'm going to find a way to be more sensitive, right now!" Ron stood up, a determined expression on his face. Then he looked down at his plate. He sat back down. "Right after dinner."

Harry was about to take another bite out of his steak when he glanced over to his right and saw Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown looking at him. As soon as they realized he had caught them, they started giggling wildly into their hands.

_What are they giggling about?_

_…Probably something stupid. _

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What will happen in the next exciting chapter? Stuff. Lots of stuff. This whole 'writing comedy' thing is fun. Hope you kiddos are loving this as much as I am. See you next time!


	2. The Reaction

Back again I see. Maybe because you're dying to know what's gonna happen next! Oh, don't worry, stuff. Lots of stuff. Let's get this show on the road!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Rowling does.

Warnings: Gossip, Slytherins, and some good old fashioned swearing!

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Apudne Te Vel Me?

(_Your Place or Mine?_)

Chapter Two: The Reaction

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Harry and Ron had left the Great Hall before the Zacharias Smith/Harry Potter thing had practically taken over the Gryffindor table. Seamus Finnegan wasn't around to see the damage he had caused because he was too busy snogging his secret boyfriend in the Room of Requirement.

(In their fifth year, a rumor about a secret room that could turn into anything you wanted it to be had spread through the school like wildfire. Thanks to Dobby, Harry was one of the first people to know where it was. Although he didn't want to lay the blame at anyone's door, he was pretty sure Ron was the one who passed this knowledge on. The Slytherins had officially declared that they had known about it all along, they just didn't want the other houses to know about it. (This was untrue. Godric put this room in after Slytherin left.))

And then, like a virus, the rumor jumped over to the Ravenclaw table. Parvati just _had _to tell her sister. Although Padma was the slightly more serious one of the two, she still enjoyed a good rumor. Padma and Parvati's conversation was overheard by a few others and pretty soon, all the Ravenclaws were clustered around the two girls.

Almost all the seventh year Slytherins got up and left at the same time while this was happening, except Pansy Parkinson, who was trying to help Millicent Bulstrode with some homework.

Finally, the rumor reached Luna Lovegood's ears. Luna had just been dreamily eating a piece of pie and wondering if there would be any time after dinner to go outside and catch wind devils, when someone had nudged her. Luna wasn't really used to this; usually she had to go to the Gryffindor table to get any sort of conversation, since the Ravenclaws treated her like a Hufflepuff—always stealing her stuff and what not. This year they were in for a surprise though—she had cursed all her stuff so that whoever stole it would break out into green and orange boils. Hermione Granger had taught her that one.

"Yes?" She blinked slowly.

"Didn't you hear? Zacharias Smith and Harry Potter are secretly dating!" The Ravenclaw third year told her.

"They…are?" Luna thought of Harry Potter, who had befriended her in her fourth year, mostly because she had become good friends with Ginny Weasley. Then she thought of Zacharias Smith. "Hmmm…"

She did what came naturally to Luna. No one knew that Luna actually had grand dreams of being a reporter one day, to run _The Quibbler_ and find all the mysterious creatures that kept alluding the readers. So she knew just what to do when she heard a story. Luna got up, one hand playing absent-mindedly with her bottle cap necklace, and went over to the next table.

The Hufflepuffs were all trying to see what the Ravenclaw table was buzzing about, so they didn't notice Luna wandering up to Zacharias Smith.

"They're all saying you're dating Harry Potter." Luna commented loudly and all the Hufflepuffs gasped somewhat simultaneously. The rest of the tables in the Great Hall had gone quiet. "In secret. Is it true?"

All the blood had drained from Zacharias' face. He looked around the Great Hall, seeing all the expectant faces and then he looked back at Luna, who looked like she was half somewhere else and gulped.

Pansy Parkinson lit up like a Christmas tree and her grin was so wide that Bulstrode thought she looked like a jack o' lantern. In case you didn't catch it, Pansy looked like a holiday had just been announced.

In fact, Parkinson didn't even wait to hear Smith's answer. She just bolted out of the Great Hall, leaving a somewhat irate Bulstrode stuck with the rest of her homework.

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"I think I'm officially the greatest Slytherin who ever lived." Draco Malfoy declared, standing on his armchair to give this announcement. "Read 'em and weep boys." He threw down his cards and flicked his wand at them so they landed on the table in perfect order. A full house.

"Dammit!" Blaise threw down his cards. "Again?"

"Yes, yes indeed." Draco began to sweep the large pile of galleons, sickles, and knuts towards himself. The Slytherins often indulged in Muggle poker and usually bet money—although they had bet other things, including first years.

"Not so fast." Nott smiled, if you can call it that. It would probably be more accurate to say 'Nott showed his teeth.' Draco frowned. Nott laid his hand out on the table. "Royal flush."

Draco sputtered for a few moments, and then finally recovered with a devilish smile and wagging an approving finger at Theodore. "Not bad, not bad. Of course your poker face is unrivaled…"

A near breathless Pansy Parkinson burst into the common room just then. "You'll never guess what I just heard!"

"I didn't do anything to the Gryffindor hot water heater!" Blaise declared hastily. Draco raised an eyebrow at him. "I mean…yeah. If this is about the Gryffindor hot water heater…it wasn't me."

"Well, out with it, Parkinson." Draco waved a hand imperiously as he began to gather up the cards so that he could deal. It was Zabini's turn, but since Blaise wasn't paying any attention, it was his own fault.

"Harry Potter and Zacharias Smith have been secretly dating." Parkinson announced smugly. "Looks like The Boy Who Lived is the Boy Who Likes C—!"

She was cut off by Draco leaping to his feet and roaring, "_WHAT_?"

"Um…" She looked vaguely surprised. "Potter and Smith are dating. A Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor…and I thought Potter couldn't sink any further…"

"They're dating?" Draco marched over to her. "When did this happen? Who else knows? Why wasn't I told before?"

"Whoa, Draco, calm down." Pansy held up her hands defensively. "It just happened, everyone knows, and I just told you."

"How do you know that everyone knows?" Draco questioned her.

"Luna Lovegood knows." Pansy shrugged.

"Wow, I guess everyone really does know." Blaise was glad the cards had been forgotten and proceeded to filch a few of Draco's earnings. It was his own fault for not paying attention.

"Smith? Smith? He's a Hufflepuff! What is Potter thinking?" Draco threw his hands up in the air.

"Why are you so upset about this?" Pansy's bewildered expression was only there for a moment before it melted into horrified realization. "_No_!"

"Pansy," Draco began.

"You…you…" Pansy shook a finger at him, backing away. "But you're a Slytherin!"

"Let me explain, Pansy." Draco took a step towards her. All the Slytherins were watching them now, looking mystified. Blaise had even stopped charming knuts to look like galleons so that Draco didn't suspect he was missing anything. The charm would wear off in a few hours, but it was still worth it.

"How could you?" Pansy looked scandalized.

"Pansy, come here!" Draco lunged at the Slytherin girl, who dodged him, and ran around one of the couches.

"You like Potter!" Pansy announced. A stunned silence overtook the Slytherin room.

"We could have told you that." Goyle shrugged. Crabbe was nodding in agreement.

"You traitors!" Draco snarled at the two.

"There was the time Draco tried to find a way to sneak into the Gryffindor showers…" Crabbe ticked off the items on his fingers. "The time he spent all of one History of Magic class trying to write a love note to him…"

"The time he wrote that singing valentine for Potter in the second year." Goyle added on. There's an important lesson here: Don't abuse your henchmen, because karma is a sadistic bitch.

"I thought that singing valentine was from Ginny Weasley…" Zabini looked confused. "Although, I thought it was weird how you were able to write all those heckling Gryffindor songs all of a sudden."

"Shut up, just shut up!" Draco was shaking with anger. "I do not like him. It's not like that."

"Oh _really_?" Pansy folded her arms.

"Okay, maybe I've been trying to get into Potter's pants, but don't you see?" Draco spread his arms out towards his fellow Slytherins. "This is for my house. The glory of my year, nay, the whole house, rests upon my shoulders. Imagine how good this will look for us! No one can resist a Slytherin, not even the leader of the Gryffindors! It's the stuff of legends!"

This inspiring speech, which was, so to speak, meant to rally the troops to his cause, did not get greeted with enthusiastic applause. It was met by a loud burst of laughter. Pansy was rolling on the floor, Blaise was doubled over, Nott was sniggering quietly, and most of the other Slytherins couldn't breathe. Draco went pink.

"Fine!" He snapped at them. "I'm not sharing any of my glory with you cretins then!" And he stomped out of the room.

"Stuff…of…legends…" Pansy mimicked as she gasped desperately for air. Draco stomped back in. After cursing ten Slytherins who were too weak to fight back, he left again, feeling he could rest a little easier.

He hadn't told the whole truth. Fine, yes, he liked Harry bloody Potter. He thought the Slytherins would see it as ambitious, but apparently they were too busy laughing. Well, Pansy and a few others weren't, they were too busy trying to figure out how to get their noses back.

But this Zacharias Smith business…nothing could have irritated him more. There's no way Harry could see anything in that stupid Hufflepuff, even if Smith was a blonde. He wasn't very pretty for one. He supposed Smith could pass for good-looking, but Draco wasn't feeling particularly charitable.

"Argh!" Draco hit his pillow with his fist. He knew he should have asked Harry to the Yule Ball their fourth year. He had tried, but then he let Granger scare him off with that stupid ferret comment. Was he never going to live that down? No wonder the other Slytherins didn't take him seriously…

Since fourth year, his life had been one attempt at getting into Potter's pants after another, none of which worked because, of course, they all came out as insults. Potter should really realize that the fact that Malfoy honored him with insults day after day was a sign of high standing in Draco's eyes. Bloody clueless those Gryffindors were. Even if they were sexy.

Draco spent most of that night tossing and turning, planning something. He wasn't sure what, but something that was sure to get Potter's attention…

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"I'm beat." Harry yawned as he lay down in bed. "And I have Potions tomorrow." He and Ron had just been in the library, studying with Hermione. They had gone there first because they were pretty sure that's where she had run off to. When they got back, all the Gryffindors were looking at him strangely and seemed to be whispering about him behind his back. But maybe he was just imagining things.

Ron was getting into bed too when Neville came into the room. His eyes were wide and he looked around a bit fearfully. Seamus and Dean were already in bed when Harry and Ron came up.

"Harry…is it true?" Neville asked, his voice almost a whisper.

"Is what true?" Harry wondered if this had to do with everyone's odd behavior in the common room.

"You're secretly dating Zacharias Smith?" Neville leaned in curiously. Harry turned a shade of green.

"No! No I'm not. Who said I was?" Harry didn't know that a few beds away, Seamus was pretending to be fast asleep.

"Lavender Brown told me, Parvati Patil told her." Neville shrugged. "So it's just a rumor?"

"Yes, yes it is." Harry turned towards Ron. "Can you believe this?"

"Not really…" Ron wondered guiltily if this had anything to do with his actions in the Great Hall earlier that evening. "Well, it's a good thing we stopped it now, before it really got out of hand."

"Yeah, Neville, go downstairs and tell everyone they're insane and it's not true." Harry looked somewhat relieved.

"Um…well, Parvati told Padma." Neville fidgeted with his hands. "And um…I think the whole school knows."

"What? How?" Harry looked around angrily. "Are you positive the whole school is talking about this?"

"Well…Luna Lovegood knows." Neville replied hesitantly. Harry jumped out of bed and stormed down the stairs to the common room, wearing only his pajamas. The whole common room looked up at him expectantly.

"I AM _NOT _DATING ZACHARIAS SMITH!" Harry yelled at them, clenching his fists. And then he stomped back up to his room. There, he thought, that should put an end to all the rumors.

But it didn't.

"Oh suuuuuuuure." Lavender Brown rolled her eyes. "Now I know it's not true, because Harry denied his secret relationship with Smith."

"I know, who does he think he's kidding?" Parvati sighed. "I mean just look at him…if he isn't gayer than a pack of elves, I don't know what is."

"Hmm…" Colin Creevey, who had been sitting nearby, rubbed his chin. Colin Creevey spent an awful lot of time watching Potter, taking pictures of Potter, fantasizing about…er, anyways, this whole thing just didn't add up. He did not have one photo of Harry and Zacharias Smith even talking. How could they possibly be secretly dating?

Besides the mystery of who started the rumor. Patil wasn't revealing her source…if Colin could figure out who it was, maybe he could find out where or even if the two met.

Looks like Colin Creevey was on the case…

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Yeah, it's all fun stuff. Tune in next time when Ron…well, yeah.


	3. The Idea

Oh what a twisted web we weave…or don't weave. I type this wearing my special typing Gryffindor gloves that Teresa knitted me so that my hands could stay lovely and warm. Otherwise, they'd probably just fall off because it's freaking cold in this house. The gloves kind of make me feel like I'm a hobo…or I'm going to go play a game of Quidditch. Hobo Quidditch?

Disclaimer: I don't own HP.

Warnings: Ron's…skillz at magic, Creevey's collection of illicit photos, and a frustrated Malfoy.

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Apudne Te Vel Me?

_(Your Place or Mine?)_

Chapter Three: The Idea

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Ron couldn't find a single spell that made a person more sensitive.

Actually, okay, Ron couldn't find a single spell that made a person more _emotionally _sensitive. He did find a book on sex magic (he abused his prefect privileges a bit) which had quite a large chapter on the subject of sensitivity—including helpful notes from past Slytherins who had found this same text.

(Had Ron read a certain chapter involving animals, on the page about snakes, there's a little note that says, "My snake is bigger than yours" and is signed by a T.M.R.)

But he still couldn't find what he was looking for, no matter how many books he poured over. The whole idea of just trying to be more sensitive to other people's feelings felt like a waste of time to Ron. He was a wizard. Wizards used magic to solve problems. Ergo, this problem had a magical shortcut and he was going to find it.

_Maybe there just aren't any spells…_

Ron slammed shut yet another dusty old book and ignored the glares from Madam Pince, who felt as though each book was a child of hers. He glanced around the library and tried to think.

_If only I could ask Hermione…_

When in doubt, ask Hermione. This wasn't a great policy when you were doing something like this. He could ask Harry, but he was pretty sure Harry wouldn't be any help in this area—besides probably still being in bed. (Ron had gotten up rather early to look in the library before breakfast started.)

Then his eyes wandered past a sign. Potions Section.

Something in his brain twitched. Then it fidgeted a little with its pencil, looked around, and realizing that it had the answer and no one else did, it stood up.

_I could _make _a potion to make me more sensitive!_

It made perfect sense. If you knew enough about the property of herbs and stones and all that stuff Snape was always going on about, you could figure out a potion. Heck, that's how there were potion recipes in the first place! It's not because people just piddled around in the dark ages going, "Right, well, there's no potion already so let's not invent one!" (Ron's idea of potion history consisted of everything being invented in the dark ages whereas 'new' potions were invented by people like Snape, who only crawled out of their greasy caves long enough to hand out detentions.)

He had just the place to make a perfect illegal Sensitivity Potion.

The Room of Requirement.

Ron picked up a few dictionaries of potion-making ingredients. Tonight, after everyone had gone to sleep, he was going to make become so sensitive that Hermione would have to go out with him for sure!

_Go Ron, go Ron!_

He skipped off to breakfast, not knowing that by this time tomorrow, he was going to be seriously regretting his decision.

------------------------

"Tell Patil and Brown to stop staring at me." Harry muttered to Hermione at breakfast.

"Like it'll do any good." Hermione rolled her eyes. "They both think that stupid rumor's _true_."

"At least you and Ron know something like that couldn't possibly be true." Harry smiled gratefully at her.

"Of course I don't think it's true. Smith isn't your type." Hermione calmly reached for her cup of tea.

"And he's a _guy_." Harry put in pointedly. Hermione choked a little on her tea.

"Well…yes, there's that too." Hermione hit herself a few times on the chest. Then she straightened up. "Hmm…a guy. Yeah. Well."

"Hermione?" Harry raised an eyebrow at her.

"Oh, it's nothing." Hermione waved a hand innocently in front of her face. Harry didn't know that she was trying desperately hard not to blush. "Well, that might be why Patil and Brown are staring."

"I'm not following you." Harry's brow furrowed in confusion.

"It's a girl thing." Hermione tried to throw him off track.

"What's a girl thing?" Ron sat down next to Harry, setting down several large books on the seat beside him. Then Ron turned a shade of green. "You guys aren't talking about…_that_, are you?"

"Does everyone know but me?!" Harry threw his hands up in the air. "What? What is it about Smith being a guy that causes a problem?!" He said this far too loudly and Parvati and Lavender were reduced to a fit of giggles.

"Shhhh!" Hermione shushed him, putting a finger to her lips and looking around for a moment. "What I mean is, Parvati and Lavender…well…they're reading these comics about boys being in love. Boys our age I mean." She tried to clarify. "And a little older. But anyways, they're obsessed."

"Oh. _Oh_." Ron looked temporarily relieved. "I thought you were talking about other…girl stuff. Nothing. Never mind." He turned his focus completely to his breakfast to avoid having to make eye contact with anyone.

"I don't get it." Harry still looked confused.

"Boys being in love with other boys." Hermione explained. "They're really popular. They probably _like _the idea that you're dating another boy."

"Do you read these too?" Harry frowned at her.

"That's not really any of your business." Hermione cleared her throat but still turned pink. "There's nothing wrong with the idea."

"No one said that." Ron rolled his eyes. "It's just wrong to think of anyone dating Zacharias Smith."

"I think Ginny did at some point." Hermione volunteered.

"What?!" Ron's jaw dropped. "When?! When did she even have _time_?"

"I don't know if they _actually _dated but they snogged a few times in the Astronomy Tower." Hermione shrugged. "They don't _now _of course. Now Ginny's at Beauxbatons."

"Gross." Ron grimaced. "Let's go beat up Smith."

"Wow, great idea." Harry flicked a piece of egg at his friend. "I'm sure that'll only add fuel to the fire."

"Why did everyone just go quiet?" Hermione's voice was suddenly very loud in a very quiet dining hall. She craned her neck to see.

Zacharias Smith had entered the room. Harry moaned and moved a large stack of toast so that he could hide behind it. Within a few minutes, conversation resumed but everyone seemed to be waiting for Harry or Smith to do something.

"Looks like everyone wants to know if you guys are going to share a bit of toast." Ron nudged Harry playfully. "Go over there and give him a big morning kiss." Ron proceeded to make kissy faces at him until Harry socked him rather hard in the arm.

A disturbance was caused by a large sticky cinnamon roll, with lots of icing, which hit Smith in the back of the head. Most of the Great Hall turned to see who had done it and a few people were glancing at Harry, waiting to see if he'd do something.

Draco Malfoy was standing on a chair, clearly the culprit.

"Oh, Smith, I didn't see your overly large head there." Draco gave a smile that was nothing close to innocent.

"Malfoy! Throwing food in the Great Hall!" McGonagall stalked over to him. "That's twenty points from Slytherin!"

"Whatever." Draco sat down coolly in his chair. Pansy was sitting next to him and immediately began washing his sticky hand off with a wet napkin.

"Perfectly good cinnamon roll…" Blaise Zabini complained. "Not to mention _mine_."

"Don't be such a baby." Draco shoved the tray of cinnamon rolls towards him with the hand that Pansy wasn't cleaning. "It was for the good of the cause."

"There is no cause." Blaise shoved the tray back towards Draco. "And now I don't want one. Maybe I'll grab a bit of toast from your girlfriend."

"Potter's not going to share toast with you." Draco snapped. Millicent Bulstrode, who had been taking a drink, ended up spraying a first year with pumpkin juice.

"I _meant_ Pansy." Blaise grabbed a piece of perfectly buttered toast off of Pansy's plate. "I can't believe your mind jumped to _Potter_. If anyone's the girl in that relationship it's you."

"What? I'm perfectly masculine." Draco pulled his now clean hand away from Pansy. He examined his hand for a moment. "Ugh, my cuticles look awful."

"By the way, Pansy, you don't seem so upset anymore about Draco wanting a boyfriend." Blaise was munching on the stolen toast.

"Well, I was." Pansy began conversationally, not being in the least bit embarrassed about talking openly about her…thing for Draco. She might have been more embarrassed if she wasn't pretty sure everyone in Slytherin house _including _Draco knew. "But then I thought, 'There's no way Potter is every going to go there.' So, the plan for the Parkinson-Malfoy merger continues."

"Stop being cheerful." Nott snapped at them. Draco, Pansy, and Blaise turned towards him. "I hate all of you."

"That's terrific, Nott." Draco barely nodded at him before turning back towards the other two. "Pansy, I admire your faith, but at the same time…Potter isn't going to be that hard of a nut to crack." (Millicent Bulstrode sprayed the first year once more with pumpkin juice—at this rate she was going to be thirsty the rest of the meal and that first year was going to be soaked.)

"It's _Potter_." Pansy reiterated. "_Harry Potter_. He's hated you since the first year."

"Pansy, Pansy, that isn't hate. That's his repressed sexual urges." Draco spoke in a soothing tone.

"Potter had repressed sexual urges when he was eleven, did he?" Blaise asked sarcastically.

"I still have to get rid of Smith though." Draco rubbed his chin craftily. "Something tells me that not just a sticky pastry is going to keep him away from Potter."

"We could…you know…_talk _to him." Goyle volunteered, cracking his knuckles while Crabbe nodded his head in agreement.

"Thanks but no thanks. I'd rather use psychological warfare." Draco decided. He preened a little. "Is Potter looking at me?"

"No." Pansy told him. "He's hiding behind a stack of toast still."

"Crabbe, go steal that toast." Draco ordered and his flunkie immediately got up and went to it.

"Can we not talk about Harry Potter now?" Blaise asked in a pleading voice.

"Fine." Draco nodded and a slow, thick silence spread over their part of the table. It lasted for several minutes while everyone distracted themselves by eating.

Finally, it was Millicent Bulstrode who bravely pointed out something.

"We never talk about anything else, do we?"

----------------------

Harry decided that the best policy was to walk to class and just ignore everyone that had any questions about certain Hufflepuffs. And this worked pretty well. Hermione _tried_ to talk about normal things and Ron…well…Ron was acting weird.

For once it was _him_ with his nose stuck in a book. Harry wasn't sure what he was up to and Hermione questioned him but didn't get a real answer.

"Oh…well, I'm just suddenly very interested in Potions." Ron shrugged. "It's because of you, Hermione. You're always telling us interesting facts and I want to be able to tell you one for once."

"Really?" Hermione began to blush.

"You're lying." Harry accused his friend. "Last time Hermione was trying to tell us something about Potions you played Tic-Tac-Toe with _yourself_."

"And I _won_." Ron looked proud for a moment. "I've had a change of heart."

"Wow, Ron, I have to say I'm a little surprised…" Hermione smiled. "Well, if you have any questions, feel free to come to me."

"Potter." Draco Malfoy suddenly appeared around a corner. No one knew he'd been peering around it, waiting for them to be in the perfect position. "I hear you're dating Smith now."

"No, I'm not." Harry sighed.

"I always suspected you were that way." Draco gave him a superior look. "All that being on the Quidditch team, showering with your teammates—"

"The Slytherin team is the one with no girls on it." Harry interrupted him.

"Guys, let's just go to class." Hermione spoke up hopefully.

"Back off Granger!" Draco snapped at her with a little more annoyance than seemed necessary and Hermione was temporarily taken aback. Then he turned back towards Harry. "You…I have my eye on you, Potter."

"Okay." Harry acknowledged in a mocking tone. Draco looked like he was about to say something else, but then closed his mouth and turned away, walking off. "What is his problem? And why did Crabbe steal the toast this morning?"

"Oh." Hermione looked like something had suddenly occurred to her. "Oh." She still looked surprised. "Oh. Ooooooh." It seemed to sink in completely and she looked relieved.

"What?" Ron was looking all around, as though her realization was written on the ceiling. (There actually _was_ a ceiling in Hogwarts that printed people's thoughts on it but it was on the fourth floor and was no longer used for a classroom ever since the scandal quite some time ago involving a Transfiguration teacher and a seventh year female student whose name happens to be the Roman version of the goddess Athena.)

"Huh?" Hermione looked at the two of them as though she'd just noticed they were there.

"What was that all about?" Harry inquired.

"Er, I forgot a book." Hermione quickly made up.

"Too bad they don't teach a Lying class, it could be the one class you fail." Ron grinned.

"They do and I quit it partway through my third year, it was called Divination." Hermione reminded him. "Well, let's get to class, shall we?"

"Sure." Harry nodded. He just wanted this day to be over.

-------------------------

Ron was not good at making potions.

As he flipped through books, throwing one aside to look through another, throwing in another handful of whatever ingredient seemed right, one could see a disaster waiting to happen. (Especially when at one point, Ron threw a book aside, which in turn knocked over about four jars into the potion, unbeknownst to the lanky red-haired young man.)

When he'd brought it all to a boil, Ron decided he'd throw in some forget-me-nots, because girls like flowers, and the potion was to help Hermione, who was a girl, _like him_.

It caused the cauldron to explode.

The smoke cleared and Ron sighed in relief. He could feel all his fingers and toes, good. Then he started laughing. Teachers were always going on and on about how dangerous it was to experiment with magic and all that rot.

_They just don't want to us to have fun._

But something about his laughter was bothering him. It was higher pitched than usual. Odd. Oh well, maybe the explosion had temporarily damaged his vocal cords.

Ron went to straighten his robes but felt a bump. Two bumps. He looked down to see it looked like there was something under his robes. He went over to a mirror and felt his heart stop.

He had curves. Lots of curves. His face was different too. His eyes were bigger, his nose was smaller, and his lashes were longer. His hair went down to a little past his shoulders, and because magic has a terrific sense of humor, a blue bow was fixed perfectly to the back of his head.

Ron had turned himself into a girl.

------------------------

Heehee. How much did I enjoy that? Sooooo much. Please read and review!


	4. The Deal

Hey chickies, I'm back with a vengeance and this latest chapter is brought to you by…my laptop computer! That's right, I finally have a portable computer, meaning that I'll be getting a lot more work done. YAHHH! Anyways, hope you guys enjoy this latest chapter and I'm sure most of you want to know what poor, poor Ron is going to have endure next…

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Warnings: Don't forget to read the fine print on anything you sign…

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Apudne Te Vel Me?

Chapter Four

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"Harry! Harry!" Harry, who had been enjoying his sleep (in which he dreamed that he was smooshing Malfoy's face into the mud) was awakened by a rather frantic whispering.

"Huh?" Harry's hand blindly patted around for his glasses. Dimly he could make out a red-haired girl. "Ginny?" He guessed before his hands finally closed around his glasses.

"No!" The female's voice got huffy. Harry's rather limited experience with women told him that this girl could not be happy until he guessed the right name. His glasses slid the world into focus. She certainly looked like Ginny, but she was a lot taller. Harry didn't fancy the idea of this girl pinning him down and trying to have her dirty way with him. She was probably a Ravenclaw—they were _always _Ravenclaws. "It's me."

"Me, who?" Harry began to inch his wand out from under his pillow.

"Me!" The girl hit her fist on his pillow. Neville stirred a little and she looked terrified. "Let's go to the common room, okay? I'm going to die if anyone else sees me like this."

"Um…" Harry tried but the girl slid off his bed and went out the door. "Oh, fine." Harry vowed if she was a Ravenclaw, he'd curse her stupid and go back to bed.

Down in the common room, the red-haired girl was pacing back and forth. Harry thought the way she was walking was very familiar.

"Do you mind telling me who you are?" Harry asked, near exasperation.

"Are you kidding?" The girl looked like she was going to pull her hair out. "It's me, Ron."

"Wow." Harry raised his eyebrows. "That disguise is perfect except that Ron's a _guy_."

"It's me! Look, I made a potion to become more sensitive and there was an explosion and…well…yeah." She gestured towards herself.

"You Ravenclaws are a pretty crafty bunch." Harry rubbed his chin as he thought.

"I'm not a bloody Ravenclaw!" She shrieked. "Ask me something! Something only I would know."

"Okay…in our last History of Magic class, how many pages of notes did we take?" Harry asked.

"Trick question! We never take notes. We had the Tic-Tac-Toe World Championships with Dean and Seamus. Hermione took notes." The girl looked triumphant. Harry wasn't convinced.

"Who won?" He pressed.

"Seamus."

"Luck of the Irish…" Harry clearly still thought of his loss sorely. Then he blinked. "Omigod, you _are _Ron!" Harry's jaw dropped. "But…how…why…?"

"I already told you, it was a Potions accident." Ron crossed her arms. Harry burst into laughter.

"You look just like a girl!" Harry nearly fell over. "Wait until Fred and George find out!"

"They aren't going to find out!" Ron snapped. "We're going to find a cure."

"A cure? You know I'm only just passing Potions, right?" Harry reminded her. "Come on, we'll get Hermione to help."

"No!" Ron grabbed him by the shoulders. "You can't! Hermione will want to know what happened and she'll see me like this and unless she's been hiding something from us, I doubt she'll ever go out with me!"

Harry stopped laughing.

"Did you just admit that you wanted to date Hermione out loud?" Harry asked dumbfounded. Ron nodded solemnly and Harry fell our laughing.

"S-stop laughing!" Ron blushed. Harry gleefully noted this as he rolled around on the floor.

"You're just a blushing beauty, aren't you?" Harry grinned, sitting up. "But seriously, Hermione's the only one who'll be able to help you. She won't care."

"I can't!" Ron wailed. Then she paused. "Did I just…wail?"

"Yeah." Harry nodded.

"Oh." Ron heaved a sigh. "Go get Hermione."

Harry got up and started to go up the stairs to Hermione's dorm, but as he placed his foot on the first step he stopped.

"Um, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but _you're _going to have to get Hermione." Harry informed her.

"What? Why?" Ron looked like she was going to cry.

"Because you're a girl. If I try to go up there, sirens will go off and everyone will come out here." Harry waved a finger.

"This is the only time I've ever wished you were a girl." Ron declared. "Well…except fourth year for the Yule Ball. It would have been easier if I could have just taken you."

"Ah." Harry went over and sat in a chair. "Have fun, Ron-ette."

"Don't." Ron looked like she was going to stab him so Harry kept his mouth closed. Ron began her slow ascent with the air of someone walking towards their own execution.

A few minutes later, Harry was startled by Hermione, who came dashing down the stairs. He stood up and she grabbed his shoulders.

"Ron…girl…dream…studying much too hard…" Hermione got out in between gasps for air.

"Hermione, wait!" Ron came after her. "I didn't mean to scare you!"

"I wasn't scared." Hermione rolled her eyes and she let go of Harry. "How would you feel if you were woken up in the middle of the night by your best friend—who seems to have under gone a magical sex change?"

"I felt confused." Harry raised a hand. "I thought he was a Ravenclaw…"

"A…Ravenclaw?" Hermione turned towards him slowly.

"Er, I don't want to talk about it." Harry shuffled his feet uncomfortably.

"Excuse me, I don't want to interrupt but I'm a freaking _girl_!" Ron stomped her foot and Harry had to stifle his snickering.

"No one's forgotten about you being a girl." Hermione assured her. "I don't think anyone ever will…"

"I won't." Harry proclaimed.

"Now, Ron, you have to tell me _exactly _what you put in that cauldron." Hermione spoke in a stern voice. Harry was glad Hermione was there—he kept fighting off bouts of snickering.

Ron was silent for a long time before a very slow, apologetic grin began to spread across her freckled face.

"No." Hermione said in a horrified voice. "No."

"Sorry." Ron clasped her hands behind her back, which made Harry break into muffled laughter.

"Ronald Weasley, how on _Earth_ do you expect me to help you if I have no idea what you used?" Hermione screeched, her hands grasping at her hair.

"You're so brilliant?" Ron guessed.

"Ron, you're asking the impossible." Hermione rubbed her temples, as if warding off a headache. "I know you think I'm brilliant but it's practically _impossible_…"

"I'm going to be a girl forever?" Ron looked horrified. "But…but…" And her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she fainted. Luckily, she fell over into an armchair and Harry and Hermione regarded her for a moment.

"Look," Hermione turned towards Harry. "Ron's feeling humiliated enough but…"

"But what?" Harry blinked and then he saw Hermione's uneasy expression. "What is it? Is Ron really stuck like this?"

"Maybe not." Hermione began to wring her hands. "There is someone who's really good at Potions—better than me. With their help, we can probably find a way to reverse the effects."

"Better than you?" Harry tried to think of someone who was better than Hermione at any of the subjects. "Do you mean _Snape_? There's no way—I'm not getting help from him. He'd make it even worse! Besides, how would we even get him to help? Unless you have a secret O.W.L. in sex magic…"

"I wasn't talking about Snape!" Hermione interrupted, red-faced. "Although it's a good guess. I'm talking about Malfoy."

"Huh?" Ron suddenly opened her eyes.

"Nothing, nothing." Hermione waved a hand cheerfully. Then she grabbed Harry's arm and pulled him towards the portrait-hole. "Look, I know Malfoy's scum but we need his help!"

"No way." Harry declared. "Just…no. I do _not _want Malfoy's help."

"Fine." Hermione tossed her hair angrily. "Ron will just be a girl forever and you two can get _married_."

"Malfoy? That's a dumb plot point." Harry muttered. Hermione hit him and gave him a sharp look. "Why would Malfoy help us?"

"Because of this." Hermione pulled a photograph out of her robes. A picture of Malfoy canoodling with a person, who asked to remain nameless.

"Why were you carrying this around?" Harry inquired.

"Pay attention!" Hermione snapped. "Just threaten him with this and he'll have to comply!"

"What are you guys talking about?" Ron called out from her chair.

"Nothing." Hermione snapped. "Look, Harry, go get him and get him to agree to help! I'll ease Ron into the idea. We've also got to formulate a plan—we need to keep this under wraps."

"What should we do first?" Harry shuffled his feet.

"Go get Malfoy." Hermione shoved him towards the portrait hole.

"Okay, okay, let me go get my Invisibility Cloak." Harry was irritable, Ron still wanted to know what they were talking about, and Hermione looked like she just wanted to go back to sleep and hope that it was all put to right when she woke up. Harry wondered just what kind of mess they had gotten themselves into this time…

-------------------------

The Room of Requirement, popular make out spot and secret meeting place of the Renegade Elvish-American Princess Association. Harry took a deep breath before pacing back and forth in front of it.

_I need a way into Draco's dorm._

_Er, Draco Malfoy's._

_His dorm I mean._

_You know._

_So…a way into Draco Malfoy's dorm. _

_The one in Slytherin house. _

_Not that there's probably a million Draco Malfoys or anything but just in case…_

It seemed to Harry that the door to the Room of Requirement was giving him a look.

_The door!_

Harry quickly went in and found a long dark hallway with torches burning dimly and mirrors in between the torches. If Harry had paused and maybe tweaked his hair, he would be doing a perfect imitation of the many girls who had traveled this route before him. (Pansy came in once a week to clean the mirrors. Sometimes Blaise helped.)

At the end was a door and Harry, almost expecting an ambush, slowly opened the door and poked his head out.

Strangely the door seemed to be located on the inside of the curtains of the large canopy bed. Draco was sleeping, but not in the pleasant, barely a hair out of place that most Harry Potter fanfics might say, but his hair was all messed up and sticking out funny. He was sleeping on one arm, which was sure to be fast asleep itself. A small trickle of drool was dribbling out of Draco's mouth. This was too much for Harry who sniggered and quickly tried to stifle it. It was too late though. Draco woke up.

"Magid?" Draco asked sleepily.

"What?" Harry cocked his head to one side.

"_I'm dreaming about a git_." Draco muttered. Then he blinked and sat up. "What the—!"

Harry was _not_ going to let Draco Malfoy alert anyone to this presence, so he yanked the blonde boy out of bed and into the dimly lit hallway. He noticed that in that few seconds, Draco had managed to grab his wand.

"What's going on?" Draco demanded to know. "What are _you_ doing here? Did you sneak down here with some oh-so-clever, friends forever goody goody Gryffindor prank in mind? Well, I'm not in the mood for my hand being dipped in hot water or having honey poured on me! I do _not _do prank wars! Do you hear me?" Draco shook his finger. Harry stared incomprehensibly at him.

"Oookay, well, obviously someone's a little grumpy." Harry took a step back warily.

"Oh, what would you know?" Draco crossed his arms. "I'm not even in proper Slytherin attire! And my hair…my hair!" Draco's hands went to the top of his head in horror. "You…you…you're just like Blaise, always trying to get photos of my hair when I'm sleeping!"

"As stupid as everything you're saying is, I need you to calm down. You're way up here," Harry motioned above his head with one hand. "We need you about here." And he motioned again, this time when his hand was at chest level.

"Then explain yourself, cretin." Draco turned towards a mirror and began tapping his hair with his wand and muttering.

"Okay, well, Hermione says we need your help." Harry started in but Draco interrupted him.

"Oh no. We're sworn enemies." Draco reminded him.

"That's what I said." Harry agreed but then shook himself. "Look, Hermione says you're the best at Potions—"

"Wait, what?" Draco turned towards him even though only half his hair was perfect. "The Mudblood admitted my Pureblood superiority?"

"No." Harry denied coldly. "She just said you were better at Potions than her."

"Potter, Potter, Potter, don't you know anything about girls? Everything they say is a metaphor. Granger admitting I'm the better Potion-maker is her way of saying she's a lowly Mudblood not fit to wipe the mud off my shoes." Draco wagged his finger knowingly before turning back towards the mirror. "But go on."

"You're a loony." Harry informed him. "Ron…well, he had…an accident."

"That clumsy oaf got into an accident? Shocking." Malfoy quipped, looking thoroughly amused.

"A _Potions_ accident. It could have happened to anyone." Harry defended his friend.

"Not to anyone who knew what they were doing." Draco pointed out.

"Shut up for a second!" Harry snapped. Draco took no notice of this. "Look, we need _you_ to help _us _figure out how to cure _Ron_!"

"What did he do to himself?" Draco asked.

"…" Harry muttered so quietly that no one could have heard it, not even the narrator.

"What was that?" Draco's hair was now done so he leaned over and cupped his hands over his ear.

"…" Harry looked at his feet.

"Speak up." Draco brandished his wand but Harry wasn't paying attention, so that when he went to mutter again, Draco's _sonorus_ caught him off guard.

"—Turned into a girl!" Harry's voice boomed in the corridor. Draco took one look at Harry before doing what any seventh year Slytherin (not to mention Malfoy) would do. He began to laugh so triumphantly that it sounded like he done the _sonorus _on himself. Harry was busy doing the counter spell on himself.

"Weasley turned himself into a girl? I take it back, feel free to wake me up anytime with news like this." Draco grinned. "And you want me to help you? Sorry, I think it's just going to be too hilarious teasing the Weasel King…or Queen now."

"Listen, I didn't want to do this but Hermione said if you won't help, she'll show everyone this." Harry held out the picture. Draco took one look at it and turned a shade of pale green.

"Touché, Granger." Draco's voice held begrudging respect. "Although, I suppose everyone wouldn't be too surprised…no, I'm going to have to get something really good out of this deal."

"What do you want?" Harry just wanted to punch Draco in the face, but he was pretty sure that wasn't going to help Ron in the long run.

"Hmm…" Draco thought hard. "What do I want…?" And he began to pace back and forth. Then he suddenly straightened up. "I thought of something, just one moment."

Draco went back through the door but left it half open. (Harry supposed if he closed it, it probably disappeared and he wouldn't be able to get back through.) Then he came back with a piece of parchment and a quill. "Sign here." He indicated a line on the page that had been drawn by ink. The rest of the parchment was completely blank.

"Why?" Harry looked highly suspicious.

"Oh, indulge me." Draco shrugged. Then he noticed the look on Harry's face. "Or I can go wake up all the other Slytherins and tell them about Weasley's little problem…Blaise is quite partial to redheads."

"Fine!" Harry snapped and grabbed the piece of parchment. He signed the piece of paper. "There. Now what?"

"Nothing. Thank you." Draco looked horribly pleased and Harry had a feeling he had just made a huge mistake. "Lead the way to your girlfriend."

"Okay, just get under the cloak." Harry brandished his Invisibility Cloak and Draco's smug expression dropped in an instant.

"Is that an Invisibility Cloak?" He pointed accusingly at Harry.

"No, it's not, it's just a regular cloak but I'm hoping really hard that it makes us invisible and with the power of my will—YES IT'S AN INVISIBILITY CLOAK!" Harry couldn't help but shouting.

"You're an absolute bastard! I always suspected you had one but Pansy told me that if I brought up my theory one more time then she was going to turn my hair _black_ and I would have never been able to live with black hair…it's so…dirty-looking." Draco scrunched up his nose. "Fine, now lead the way but don't think I've forgiven you for having an Invisibility cloak."

"It'll haunt my dreams." Harry's words were heavy with sarcasm. The walk back was uncomfortable because Harry was constantly hushing Draco, who was trying hard to distract himself from the fact that him and Potter were under an Invisibility Cloak together and because they aren't very big, they had to walk awfully close, by commenting on things as they passed them.

However, as soon as Harry and Draco were threw the portrait hole and into Gryffindor tower, things got much worse.

Ron, still with a bow in her hair and looking like she was being led to her execution was horrified to see who Harry had fetched.

"What is he doing here?" Ron hissed.

"You didn't tell him?" Harry turned to Hermione.

"Do you know how long it took for me to calm him down?" Hermione whispered frantically. "I couldn't tell him yet and could you get Malfoy to stop laughing?"

"Knock it off." Harry cuffed Draco on the back of the head—causing the blonde-haired boy to screech and hold onto his head protectively.

"Well, Weasley," Draco straightened himself. "I always knew one day that divine punishment would be visited upon you for sniggering at my name, but I never realized how much the higher powers at be obviously favor me."

"Oh, shut up!" Ron snapped. "Why is he here?"

"Because we need the best Potions maker to help us and unless you want _Snape_—"

"Not Snape!"

"Then you have to work with Malfoy." Hermione finished. "Now, I know we all hate each other but we have to get Ron turned back to a boy! Now, Draco, are you willing to help us and not to tell anyone?"

"Potter's fulfilled all my requirements." Draco suddenly looked smug again. Harry felt an icy feeling of dread creep through his body.

"Oookay." Hermione gave Harry a wondering look. "Glad to have you on board then. Now, Ron doesn't remember what he put in the potion."

"You realize this isn't going to be easy?" Draco's brow knitted together.

"_You think_?" Hermione rolled her eyes. "I was thinking we could try a—!" Hermione was cut off as Ron let out a small scream and they saw that there was a head in their fireplace.

It wasn't Sirius Black but Albus Dumbledore.

"Professor?" Harry gulped.

"Hello, Harry." Dumbledore greeted him as though this was the most normal thing in the world. "The Fat Lady reported to some other paintings that there was a Slytherin in the Gryffindor Tower. When she told me it was Draco Malfoy, I assumed that he was pulling pranks, but then she mentioned you brought him up. Although I have no qualms with budding romance or the sexual experimentation of students, I would remind you that you aren't supposed to bring your significant other into your house. Other students, I've noticed, use empty classrooms. Perhaps that alternative interests you?"

There was a moment of silence before someone spoke again.

"_What_?" Harry squawked. Draco noted to himself that Dumbledore was obviously not as doddering as he seemed and that he should take pains to make sure not to cross the old coot. "No. No. Oh god no. No, see Ron turned himself into a girl—!"

"Oh." Dumbledore nodded. "Mr. Weasley, have you really?"

"Yes." Ron approached the fire. "We're trying to figure out how to turn me back."

"You do tend to take things into your own hands, don't you?" Dumbledore beamed. "Well, that's fine then. I'll tell all the teachers that you had to leave for a little while but your female cousin is happy to join us."

"Wow, now you can go to class!" Hermione clapped her hands together.

"Great." Ron muttered darkly.

"Thanks Dumbledore." Harry pushed his glasses up his nose. "But do you know how to turn him back?"

"No, I'm afraid I don't." Dumbledore didn't seem too concerned. "Somehow, I think you'll find the answer between the four of you. I'm happy to see some inter house unity."

"What should your name be while you're pretending to your cousin?" Hermione asked Ron. "How about something close to your own name? Like…Rhonda?"

"No one has that name anymore." Draco vetoed.

"Okay, well, how about Rachel?" Hermione tried again.

"Ew, that's the name of a fat girl with no personality." Draco looked disdainful.

"It's not _your _name. It's Ron's." Hermione retorted.

"Then pick one that isn't awful." Draco shrugged.

"Well you seem to be the expert." Hermione threw her hands up in the air.

"Rowan."

"That's not a very good—" Hermione began but Ron interrupted her.

"I like that one. It's cool." Ron nodded approvingly. "I still hate you though, Malfoy."

"Like I care what an ugly poor girl thinks." Draco yawned. "Can we talk about all this after class tomorrow? I'm dead tired and I have a lot to do."

"Yes, I think that's best." Dumbledore, who hadn't left this whole time, agreed. "Mr. Malfoy, if you'd be so kind as to go back to your own house, that would be perfect. You three go to bed…Mr. Weasley, if you'd be so kind as to sleep in the girls' room? I'm sure a perfect gentlemen such as yourself won't abuse the privilege."

"But…Dumbledore…we change in there…" Hermione went red in the face.

"He can't stay in our room." Harry pointed out.

"Well…I suppose…" Hermione stared at her feet.

"I'm leaving." Draco padded off towards the portrait hole. The others didn't really note that he was gone. Dumbledore said good night to them and left. The three were left there.

"Harry…what did you do to get Malfoy to go along with this?" Hermione asked after a few moments.

"He wanted me to sign a piece of parchment, it was blank, except for this line and he wanted me to sign on the line." Harry explained nonchalantly.

"And you just signed it?" Hermione gaped.

"Oh it probably says something stupid in invisible ink like that I'm declaring he's better than me or something. Who cares?" Harry shook his head.

"I don't know…" Hermione pursed her lips. "I wouldn't have."

"Me neither." Ron spoke up. He got to his feet. "Well, I guess we should go to bed, Hermione."

"Okay, you get to stay up there but you behave yourself!" Hermione snapped at him and Ron's stupid grin dropped. "I mean it, you're pretending to be a girl but no…no…tomfoolery."

"Night." Ron shot Harry a look. Harry tried not to grin at him. He imagined that Ron would be telling an awful lot of stories once he was back to normal.

But as for Draco and his mysterious piece of paper. He'd tried to play it cool with Hermione but something told him he'd just done something very stupid.

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That's all for now but I'm sure you can all imagine that Draco has done something great. But you'll have to wait until next time to find out! Kisses! Please review!


	5. The Trouble

Now I'm sure everyone wants to know what's going to happen next, what with Ron now a girl and Malfoy in on it and just what exactly did Harry sign? Well, no worries there. It's time for another chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.

Warnings: Some foul language and mention of adult situations!

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Apudne Te Vel Me?

Chapter Five

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Getting down to breakfast was taking forever. Harry woke up and tried to explain to Dean and Seamus that Ron had to leave school quite suddenly. He was pretty sure they were giving him odd looks but they couldn't really argue with him. Neville hadn't been hard to convince at all.

When he finally got into the common room, Lavender and Parvati accosted him almost at once.

"So, who is Hermione's new friend?" Lavender leaned in so close that Harry felt himself leaning backwards to keep some distance between them. Her face was immediately joined by a just as demanding Parvati. "She said it was Ron's cousin."

"Um…it is." Harry lied.

"Why didn't she go to our school before?" Parvati questioned him. Her eyes narrowed. "Is there something wrong with her?"

"Well…no." Harry wished desperately that they weren't so interested in this. Couldn't they just have transfers? Why were they looking so deeply into this? And yet, they were perfectly natural questions. Harry wished they'd thought the story through. "She went to school somewhere else."

"Where?" Lavender demanded.

"Oh, er, Brazil." Harry said the first thing that came to mind. The two girls turned towards each other and nodded once. They stopped leaning in and looked satisfied.

"That's just what Hermione said!" Parvati sounded dismayed. "I thought for sure she was lying…"

"It's just so weird to have someone turn up in the middle of the night like that." Lavender sighed. "And she's kind of strange too. I think she's really modest or something because when we were changing, she hid her face."

"I hope she isn't stuffy and boring. Hermione's gotten loads better over the years." Parvati looked worried. "What if she has a relapse…?"

The two girls wandered away, deep in their own conversation, to go to breakfast. Harry let out a sigh of relief. What were the odds that both him and Hermione say 'Brazil'? Well, it didn't matter anyways.

"I can't believe you!" Hermione's voice caused him to turn and look up at the stairs. She looked like she didn't know whether to be embarrassed or angry. "What did I just say last night?"

"I just wanted to know how they worked!" Ron protested, looking equally embarrassed. "In case you haven't realized it yet—boys don't normally wear them!"

"Well, you could have just asked for me to help you didn't need to watch me put it on!" Hermione snapped at him furiously as they reached Harry at the foot of the stairs.

"It was a visual aid!" Ron tried to defend herself and Harry desperately wished he wasn't hearing this whole conversation.

"Listen, Hermione, _Rowan_, could you stop talking so loudly because people are staring." Harry nudged Hermione and gestured towards some first years who were watching the fight with interest and confusion.

"Well, stop Ron's peeping, then!" Hermione folded her arms but she said this all in a furious whisper.

"I was _not _peeping!" Ron argued. "It's not like I was never going to see it anyways!"

Harry and Hermione both blinked and turned to stare at Ron, who seemed to understand what she'd said and flushed a deep color of crimson.

"Um…" Harry shuffled his feet awkwardly and cleared his throat.

"I meant, because we're in the same dorms, I mean, you know, I didn't mean that it's because we were going to—you know—we aren't married yet—I mean not that we will be—I mean, whatever, I'm hungry, let's go get breakfast!" Ron threw her arms up in the air and started to march out of the common room, closely followed by Hermione and Harry.

"Does Ron…?" Hermione began to ask quietly but then shut her mouth. "I mean, I know he…maybe…sort of…"

"Are you asking a question?" Harry raised his eyebrows at her.

"Oh…no." Hermione looked slightly sheepish.

"What are you two whispering about?" Ron turned suspiciously.

"Nothing." Harry shook his head. It might have been one of the few times in human history that the answer wasn't a lie.

By the time they got down to the entrance hall, Harry was just glad to be getting down to some breakfast, which was near something normal but what he found in the Great Hall was not normal and definitely not what he was expecting.

It wasn't him that saw it first. It was Hermione. She noticed right away that almost everyone was looking up. She glanced up too, thinking owls were coming with the day's mail. But that is not what everyone was staring at.

The ceiling of the Great Hall was enchanted to look like the sky outside. Today, for instance, the sky was blue with a few wisps of clouds and people would have found any excuse to go out and enjoy a walk. But the ceiling did not reflect this good weather and no student could make plans around it.

Instead the ceiling had been bewitched to look like a piece of parchment, bearing a very odd statement.

_"I, __Harry Potter__, had a night of sexual deviance with Draco Malfoy, and found it to be more amazing then words can describe." _

The line that bore his signature made Hermione's jaw drop. This was the piece of paper that Harry had signed. People would notice Harry any moment and it was best to let him know now. She tugged on his sleeve and when he turned towards her, she pointed up.

Harry felt sick and faint all of a sudden. This was not happening. It couldn't be real. Why on _earth _would the ceiling be bewitched in such a fashion?

"There he is!" An excited voice announced and Harry gulped as he saw hundreds of faces turn towards him.

"Potter," Ernie Macmillan stood up on the bench he'd been sitting on and the entire room fell silent. Next to him was Zacharias Smith who appeared to be trying to hide behind a bottle of ketchup. "Potter, I am most affronted by your treatment of my friend and fellow housemate, Zacharias Smith. I thought you a man of honor but if you could so casually display your betrayal of his trust than I've been wrong all this time!"

"Ernie, I am going to murder you in your sleep!" Zacharias Smith stood up, grabbed Ernie's arm and began dragging him off the bench.

"His heart is broken and I'm sure that although right now he threatens those dearest to him, he will soon break down in grief!" Ernie shouted as Zacharias Smith continued, red-faced to try and drag his friend out of the Great Hall.

"I don't…I can't…" Harry couldn't form a sentence to save his life. The words written on the parchment were filling his vision still and he knew now that he was stupid, so, so, stupid to agree to anything Malfoy wanted! He looked over at the Slytherin table where Draco Malfoy was twiddling his thumbs and looking as though nothing at all was out of the ordinary.

His vision was suddenly obscured by Luna Lovegood, who was suddenly inches from his face, and startling him so badly that he nearly fell over as he stumbled backwards.

"Did you really sleep with Draco Malfoy?" It was strange how such a wandering voice could sound so loud.

"No!" Harry shouted. He turned towards the other students. "I didn't! I never would! It's all a trick!" He strode over to the Slytherin table and seized Malfoy by his robes, pulling him to his feet. "Tell them that it's a joke!"

"Potter, I must insist you stop manhandling me!" Draco looked very irritable. "Crabbe and Goyle tend to get very touchy." Harry barely glanced at Malfoy's two cronies who cracked their knuckles in unison.

"Tell everyone that it isn't true!" Harry insisted.

"Why would you sign it, Potter, if it wasn't true?" Draco smiled deviously and when Harry opened his mouth to answer he found himself closing it again. Draco had trapped him. If he admitted that he signed it to help Ron, then everyone would know Ron's secret. He glanced at the people at the table. Pansy Parkinson was giving him a very cold look, Blaise Zabini was openly gaping at him, and Theodore Nott seemed to be slipping something into Blaise's drink while he was distracted.

"You! You! You're evil!" Harry released his grip on Malfoy's robes and pointed a finger at him. "Why…why would you do this? Don't you realize that everything will think you and I…_did things_?"

"That's the point, Potter." Draco rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you can be so dimwitted."

"Potter!" A sharp voice made Harry's head whip like a crack before he could make Malfoy explain why he'd done such a thing. It was McGonagall, standing over him in a blazing fury. "I cannot believe that a Gryffindor would do such a thing! Displaying your promiscuity in such a fashion! Twenty points from Gryffindor!"

"But…it was Draco!" Harry pleaded with her. "He's the one whose bewitched the ceiling!"

"Professor, why would he let me keep such a piece of parchment?" Draco batted his eyelashes. "Isn't it clear from the way he was just attacking me that he's the dominant one?"

"You admitted Potter was the top!" Blaise stood up excitedly.

"I am _not _the top!" Harry protested.

"See, I told you, Blaise." Draco smirked.

"I'm not the anything!" Harry waved his arms wildly. "Why does everyone think I'm gay?"

"Maybe because you're having sex with boys?" Pansy Parkinson guessed shrewdly.

"I HAVEN'T HAD SEX WITH ANYONE, I'M A VIRGIN!" Harry's voice rang over the whole hall.

He was answered by nearly everyone bursting into laughter. Even McGonagall was trying to suppress snickering. Harry took one look around and then ran from the Great Hall at top speed.

Ron and Hermione were right on his heels.

"I can't believe Malfoy's done this!" Hermione was saying just as her and Ron caught up with him. "What exactly does he think he's playing at?" They were out on the grounds now.

"There was that stupid Zacharias Smith rumor!" Harry fumed. "It would have gone away eventually but no one's ever going to forget this! And I can't tell anyone why I signed it because everyone will find out about Rowan!"

"I'm sorry." Ron apologized. "This is all my fault."

"Yes, yes it is." Hermione agreed. "Right, well, you two stay put. _I'm _going to go talk to him."

"But Hermione!" Harry looked flabbergasted. "What difference is that going to make?"

"Harry, no offense, but you're going to make things worse for yourself and Ron…" Hermione looked at the red-haired young woman. "You're you." She turned on her heel and ran back up towards the castle.

"What do you think she's going to do?" Ron asked.

"Maybe she'll blow him up." Harry muttered darkly.

"Macmillan sure made a prat of himself." Ron pointed out. "I bet Smith's beating the stuffing out of him right now."

"Ernie always gets carried away." Harry shook his head. Just then Hannah Abbott and Susan Bones passed him, both glaring at him. "And he takes them all with him…"

"This'll all blow over, mate." Ron punched him in the arm. "What else can possibly happen?"

"Don't say that!" Harry covered his hands with his ears. "You'll jinx me!"

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Draco Malfoy was quite pleased with himself. This morning had gone off exactly as he wanted it to. Harry had made a fool of himself and now everyone was convinced that the whole thing was true. The ceiling of the Great Hall had been restored to normal but he secretly slipped the piece of paper to Parvati Patil who, showed everyone that Harry must have signed it because she magically verified his signature.

"I know it's not true." Blaise gave him a haughty look. "What's the next step then?"

"Why are you suddenly so interested, Blaise?" Draco waved a hand airily. "I thought you disapproved of this whole thing."

"Well, I did, until it became so highly entertaining." Blaise shrugged. "I'm now offering my services."

"Services, eh?" Draco rubbed his chin before a deliciously wicked idea hit him. "There's a new girl, a Gryffindor, our age. She's just shown up and her name is Rowan. I'll give you fifty galleons to go out with her."

"Deal." Blaise grinned. Then his smile faded. "Is she ugly?"

"Well, she isn't gorgeous but she's Weasley's cousin so there's some family resemblance between her and Ginny Weasley." Draco slyly dropped the name of the youngest Weasley. Blaise had been lamenting that school was boring ever since she ran off to France.

"Draco Malfoy!" The two boys turned to see Hermione Granger standing in front of them, her feet apart, her hands on her hips. "Just what do you think you're doing?"

"I can't imagine what you're talking about…" Draco gave her his most innocent look.

"Let me refresh your memory," Hermione's lips pursed. "You just told the entire school that you and Harry spent the night together which I _know _isn't true. He's terribly upset and you…you…you know why he signed that piece of paper!"

"Well…" Draco suddenly looked very different. He looked sad and weary. He hung his head. "If you must know…I'm jealous."

"Jealous?" Hermione's stern expression faded a little. "Of what?"

"Of his and Smith's relationship." Draco put a hand to his heart. "I just want Harry…to like me…"

"I knew it!" Hermione gasped. "You fancy Harry, don't you?"

"Please, don't tell him! It's better for me to suffer in silence…" Draco suddenly put a hand on her shoulder, as though he needed her for support. "I hope that if you ever love someone, you can make your feelings known."

"Oh..." Hermione's expression melted into one of concern. "I didn't know…I mean, that doesn't make what you did right but…I…"

"I didn't expect you to understand. Come on, Blaise, let's get to class." Draco staggered away from Hermione who watched him go with large, sympathetic eyes. When he knew they were out of earshot, he turned towards his friend. "You want to know what thenext part of my plan is?"

"Yes!" Blaise leaned in eagerly.

"To gain allies in the enemy's camp." Draco announced. "Gryffindors are soooo easy."

"I know! You aren't even that great of an actor!" Blaise shook his head. "I can't believe she went for it!"

The two boys headed off for their first class of the day, feeling quite pleased with themselves.

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Yar! What's going to happen next! Dunno, please review!


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